Dec 4, 2013

If only I had my bandages to keep me warm

My shopping trip to Atlanta yesterday (Objective: new coat for me and a coat for the kid) yielded unexpected results.

I need a new winter coat and my ample bosom requires a 2XL; the rest of me could probably fit in an XL. First department store we went to: no plus size coats. Second department store: one rack with four styles

After the first store didn't have ANY, I said to Melissa, "Well, you know, us fatties don't need coats - we've got our blubber to keep us warm." And at the second store, where Melissa noted only one of the styles came in a color other than black, I explained, "Of course - fat chicks don't deserve colors."

In the third department store, I asked for women's coats section and when I got there I couldn't find any women's sizes, only misses sizes. I had my 17-year-old exchange student, Michael, with me when I went to ask a sales clerk about plus-size coats.  I had to specify which sizes I was talking about, and Michael asked me, "What's the difference between Misses and Women's?" At that point I was so frustrated and dejected, I replied, "Women's means fat." He tried to tell me I wasn't fat and I told him there's no reason to be dishonest. Then he started trying to explain that in Africa being fat means you're wealthy. I told him we're in America so I'm just fat, not rich.

And then it all just hit me, how shitty the whole experience had been and how embarrassing it was that it all happened in front of Michael. And I had to hold back the tears. I was doing ok and pretty much had it under control. Then we met up with my housemate again and as we were headed back to the car, Melissa started looking at coats, and they were really cute, and not a one of them was going to fit me. I had to turn around to hide my eyes brimming with tears and decided to go out and make sure that was the way to our car. When I came back in, Michael was coming toward me and I think because he was looking me straight in the face, he saw my eyes clearly. He asked, "Amy, are you crying?" And I quickly said, "NO, of course not!"  Which sent me in another shame spiral that I was reduced to crying in front of my kid and then compelled to lie about it.

I know I'm weirdly shaped, but I'm not THAT far out of the norm for an American woman. Where the hell are the coats for women my size? I suddenly felt like a horrible, freakish THING and that's never a fun place to find yourself.

Aug 23, 2013

The REAL best reason to be glad we live in the future

It's a standing joke from me - when something about technology is really cool, I say, "I love living in the future." You know, like being able to deposit a check with my phone. Or setting my dvr to record from an iPod.

But what I really love about living in the future is the ability to immediately satisfy intellectual curiosity.

Earlier today, I stumbled upon, through one of my RSS feeds or tumblr or Twitter or somewhere (but ironically enough, I don't use StumbleUpon) this article about E. B. White and James Thurber writing a book together about love and passion. Which had a link to an article about an Alain de Botton book. Which mentioned a cartoon Bill Plympton drew in the 80s for Rolling Stone.

Now in Ye Olden Days, if Brain Pickings was a magazine, I would have read the Thurber/White article and thought about looking up the de Botton article it mentioned. And even if I had been persistent enough to track down that article, and then try to track down the cartoon mentioned, how would I have seen it? Go to the library and hope they have a VHS tape of it?

Instead, in the space of minutes, I hopped from White/Thurber in the early part of the 20th century, to de Botton in the beginning of the 21st, and then back to the last part of the 20th century and watched a video without leaving my chair, all in a matter of minutes.

I love living in the future.

And now I just have to find time to read those articles I mentioned above, instead of letting them sit in my Pocket app forever and ever.

May 15, 2013


My dad does this thing sometimes where he puts a fist to his chin (to get that Dudley Do-Right chin) and then puts on his best Thurston Howell III/Country Club voice to say things. Usually they involve spelling things. As in, "Muffy, I could've died. D-I-E-D, died." Or "That just tacky. T-A-C-K-Y" and my favorite, "Darling, I was just L-I-V-I-D livid."

I just stole the last one for my recap of tonight's Dancing with the Stars results show. So, those of you who actually read both this and my recaps, all 2 of you, can get the added joke of imagining my dad's fist-chin. Enjoy.

May 9, 2013

Why I want to kick Mark Zuckerberg in the nards. A not quite one-act play for two characters. Mild profanity. Seizure warning.

Patron: I need help logging into my Facebook.
Me: Ok, let's see. ... Do you remember the email you used for the account?
Patron: I can't remember the password.
Me: To the email or to the Facebook?
Patron: Either. I don't even know my email. Don't know how to give it out. We do things different now with the Facebook. You don't have to know people's address, you just have to know their name.
Me: Right. But Facebook needs a way to help you reset your password. They're going to send it to your email, or by text to your phone.  ... [scans page, sees another option] Ok, look here. You can enter your name on Facebook and let's see where that takes us.
[Patron types name in laboriously, as if a QWERTY keyboard is an alien object.]

May 8, 2013

The value of being a mother

Tonight, Survivor had the annual "Loved ones visit" reward challenge. It sparked in me some thoughts about motherhood and our unconscious prioritizing of it in judging a woman's worth. More complete thoughts after the fold to avoid spoilers for anyone who hasn't watched the May 8 episode yet.

Apr 25, 2013

LotionQuest 2013 Update - A disappointment and a potential winner

Remember my detailed and thorough search for a good lotion? It continues with two more contenders. And a special guest appearance by a body OIL.

 Curel Ultra Healing Lotion for Extra Dry Skin

This one is just ok as a lotion. It's  not as watery as some I tried (I'm looking at you Aveeno Creamy Moisturizing Oil.) but not as thick as others (See Lubriderm review below.) But what made it a a miss ultimately was the smell. It's "unscented" but nothing is really without scent - it's only without added scent or fragrance. Most things on the planet have a smell of some sort. And this one didn't please me.

It's on the cheaper end of lotions I've reviewed so far, so if you don't mind the smell, it's worth trying.

$7.59 for 20 oz at (38¢ per ounce)

Lubriderm Advanced Therapy

Of all the lotions I've tried so far, this one is the clear winner. And somewhat ironically, it's not one anybody mentioned when I first solicited recommendations.

It's thick, but absorbs well. It's "unscented" but in a way I still like the smell of.  It works great on arms and legs, but also rougher bits like knees, elbows, and heels.

Also, price-wise, it's significantly cheaper at 49¢ per ounce than the other ones I've liked so far - Kiss My Face at 72¢ and the Johnson's Baby Oil Cream at 60¢.

$7.99 for 16 oz. at (49¢ per ounce)

As promised, there's a non-lotion contender in the mix this time. Y'all it got so bad, I succumbed to the impulse in the health and beauty aisle to SLATHER MYSELF IN OIL.

Neutrogena Body Oil Light Sesame Formula

Eh. It's oil. As my English friends would say, "Did what it said on the tin." The sesame smell wasn't THAT overwhelming, but I still felt vaguely like I was preparing myself for a stir-fry. Also, the effect of it didn't last that long, especially as it didn't really absorb that well. Most likely my pajamas got more benefit from it than I did.

Maybe it would be good for massages?

$10.49 for 8.5 oz at ($1.23 per ounce - yikes! I don't think I paid near that much for it at the local Kroger.)

Apr 22, 2013

Dancing with the Stars, Week 5

I'm late with this - should have had them up last week.

Most memorable moment of the night:

And he did this without much of a running start.
Also, didn't notice the striped socks until just now. LOVE.
 Second most memorable:

Her hair. Her pants. Her makeup. All of it. Aieeeeee!